Yes, it's that most wonderful time of the week. The time when the folks here at gun-totin-wacko award the coveted "WTF were they thinking?" award. An award to recognize those people who set a new standard in stupidity. People who do something so head-scratchingly idiotic that you can't help but think to yourself....
Well, you know what you're thinking.
And so let's bring out our presenters, Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan.
Okay, it's like totally cool that we've been asked to present this nominee for like such a like distinguished award. Like, nothing could ever be better than this, except maybe receiving the award ourselves for being like, totally stupid and immature and being stoned and like narciss... Narkizz... nersusistik... Ummm can somebody like totally explain what the word means cuz like it sounds like a like twelfth grade word and like that's like way too far advanced for us to like know, like you know?
Anyhow, so here's a nominee. He's like a professional baseball player, and he like can't really hit at all, which you'd like sorta think would be like important for somebody making like 2 million dollars a year. Sorta like you'd expect somebody making millions of dollars as a singer and actress to like be able to sing and act, do you like totally know what I mean?
[Long pause while our presenters try unsuccessfully to figure out if there's any significance to that line]
Okay, let's usher these two geniuses offstage. Girls, there's plenty of Vodka and cocaine backstage. We even brought some panties in. Brit, you might find they're in your size. And we even have a coach there to explain to you how they work.
And rumor says there could be a couple of third-rate actors there that haven't already risked their health by "making love" to either of you.
Now go away. And preferably, don't come back.
[Heavy sigh of relief from G-T-W]
Okay, so anyway Neifi Perez gets a nomination for getting suspended twice for using a banned substance in baseball. What makes this nomination most impressive is that his second suspension was announced the day before his first suspension ended. And it was for the same substance. And this all costs him roughly seventy five percent of his salary for the year, which is waaaay more than he should be earning anyway, considering his batting average is quite a bit south of the Mendoza line.
Of course, in fairness to Perez, it might be A Legitimate Mistake. He says it was an over the counter medicine for ADHD that triggered the positive result, and Baseball won't say what the timeline was for testing- so the second test could have been within a matter of days of the first. Though I find that a bit hard to believe.
But no matter. Professional athletes have access to medical care and advice that is unique. The teams have doctors, therapists, and God only knows what other kind of personnel to take care of the players- hardly surprising considering the incredible salaries they make. But no, our Hero decided to run out to the local Walgreen's and pick something up to replace the prescription medicine which he ran out of. Smooth move, since that box of medicine will wind up costing him someplace in the neighborhood of $1.5 million this year, and perhaps more next year.
Though that isn't likely, since his career would seem to be in trouble. Poor hitting and an 80 game suspension came make a team hesitate to spend a couple million bucks on a player that, if he ever gets stupid again, would be suspended for an even longer time, if not outright banned.
Our next nominee is an offshoot of our most despicable winner ever. Yes, Michael Vick. Not only did Vick win the award himself for his attempts at creating Doggy Hell, but he also led Pro Football Hall of Famer Emmitt Smith down the path to insanity the very next week. And now he's done it again.
Last week there was an announcement by the Southern Christian Leadership Conference that, as part of their celebration of a new building or something, they were going to "honor" Vick for being- and I quote here- an "outstanding human being".
Funny, most people I know are having trouble right now considering Vick to be any kind of human being. But I guess that's the advantage they have. When someone offers to "open their heart and arms to us", well gosh darn it, that person needs to be recognized.
Even now, a week later, I think this smells like indulgence selling from what used to be a respected religious group. Remember the saying which so annoyed Martin Luther? "As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the soul from purgatory springs".
I suspect this concept isn't alien to the SCLC. Not that this is a new idea on my part.
Now again, to be fair, it should be pointed out that Vick wasn't supposed to be anywhere near the conference for his "recognition". But it should also be pointed out that there's no evidence that Vick contacted them and asked for their help. They just decided he needed it (or else his mother asked for their help).
And once the news got out, they gave a great big "OH S---" and announced that there were no plans to "honor" this slimeball. So I guess that sorta counts in their favor.
And then we have our third and final nominee. A delightful woman named Tracy Jarman. Jarman, an open lesbian (and not what some would call the "good kind" of lesbian) who happens to be the fire chief for the city of San Diego, announced that it would be a good idea if her department would take part in the City's annual Gay Pride parade.
On a volunteer basis, of course.
Oh, except for those firemen who say they were ordered to take part, and feared that they might face some kind of retaliation if they refused. So off they went.
During the course of the parade, they got to listen to such charming expressions of "Gay Pride" as "show me your hose" and "give me mouth to mouth". When the four men refused to get into the wacky spirit of things, they were subjected to increased hostility from the crowd.
Oh, and also note that no "gay pride" parade would be complete without men rubbing their crotches and blowing kisses at folks.
The men and their lawyers point out that this sort of behavior in a workplace would get the perpetrator fired in a heartbeat. But I suppose an event that your employer orders you to attend doesn't count as "workplace", now does it?
So now the men are suing, the City is apparently taking a "what did we do?" approach, and I've never heard a word out of Jarman. Under ordinary circumstances, I'd predict a quick settlement with the men, and strong disciplinary action against the person behind it. But in this case, I have my doubts. Straight men suing a lesbian for sexual harassment? In California? You're kidding, right? They'll be laughed out of court, and possibly subjected to more harassment on the way out.
But in fairness to Jarman, we have to give her the same rights as our other nominees received. You know, the whole Equal Rights Amendment and Gay Rights thing. So we'll take this opportunity to mention a few things that could mitigate her actions.
Sorry, nothing's coming. I can't find any good reason for her to do this to her subordinates, other than ego. And stupidity.
Therefore, since there seem to be no witnesses for the defense, and since her actions are staggeringly ignorant, I guess we'll have to bring back our two starlets and have them award Tracy this week's trophy.
Hell, it could be a dream come true for her.
So here we go. Tracy Jarman, Fire Chief of San Diego, in the state of Mexifornia, I hereby take this opportunity to ask you, on behalf of common sense advocates everywhere, as well as your subordinates in the Department, "WTF were you thinking?"
Thank you, and good night.