Friday, August 03, 2007

This is a joke, right?

Well well well. It's been a quiet week, at least in my corner of the world. So I've been noticing a lack of nominees for the "WTF were they thinking?" award.

But have no fear. As long as we have athletes, we'll have nominees. This one is infielder Neifi Perez of the Detroit Tigers. Long renowned for his incredible batting prowess- Barry Bonds look out- Neifi has a slight problem. Apparently he likes his stimulants.

Maybe he needs them to stay awake while he sits on the bench. Cuz call me crazy, but I don't know that a .172 batting average is quite enough to keep him in the Major Leagues for too much longer.

Now, I think he has another reason to plan on being retired.

How stupid does somebody have to be to get busted for a banned substance just before you come back... from a suspension for the
same substance? I mean, come on. Did he think that the League would give him a pass because he'd already been busted? Or is he so low-energy that he can't stay awake during a baseball game (that's a freebie to any non-baseball lovers out there), and needs to take caffeine intravenously?

At any rate, it's gonna cost him a total of
$1,188,525 out of an annual salary of $2.5 million.

I wonder if he's married, cuz I'd love to hear him 'splain this one to his wife.

So Neifi, here's your moment in the sun. Pop some speed while you contemplate your impending life after baseball. Because your post-baseball life is pretty damn close now.

Here it is amigo. On behalf of all sports fans everywhere, I have to ask "WTF were you thinking?"


This is one of the funniest things I've seen in years. Enjoy. Hat Tip to GoV, LGF and all the usual suspects.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen, charge your glasses!

Okay, a couple days later than I intended, it's time to award this week's "WTF was he thinking?" award.

A quick review of the candidates: First off, Senator Joe Biden gets nominated for responding to a question from a gun-owner during a debate by commenting that the man needs to have his head examined, and speculating that he might not be mentally qualified to own a gun.

Well. I grant that the questioner didn't seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer, but Biden went too far. Of course, it won't matter. First off, all leftists agree with Biden that the guy must be an idiot- after all, he owns a gun. So it won't hurt him among his "base" (I use that term loosely). And I doubt the Senator has many supporters amongst gun-owners anyway, so again, it won't cost him any votes there.

And lastly, since Biden's only chance to be elected- or even nominated- is a plane crash involving every other potential Democratic candidate, it won't have the slightest impact on the presidential election anyhow.

Sorry Joey, you're an idiot, but you don't quite rise up to our level. But the good news is, this will remind you of what it's like to be a loser, so perhaps next year it won't hurt as much.

The next nominee was "comedian" A Whitney Brown. He made a video for YouTube, that graveyard of the most pathetic Saturday Night Live alumni ever, in which he said he supports our troops.

Or not. It turns out that this comedic giant means his taxes pay for the "fat, whining" families of the troops and-horror of horrors- he also pays the salaries of the soldiers.

Actually I doubt that. I think one has to have a job to pay taxes, and I don't know if this moron has worked since he was (presumably) fired from the crapfest that SNL has been.

But while I find his comments both insensitive and stupid, he's clearly a moron. Again, as so often, I have to excuse him on the grounds that he didn't actually make a comment that forces one to go "Huh?" so much as he just said what he really, truly believes.

Besides, there's a chance someone might read this, and I'd hate to think that I doubled his audience. And I'd feel humiliated to think that, whenever he shuffles off this mortal coil, someone might decide to list the only award that Brown won in his lifetime, and mention this one.

Sorry, A (can I make a guess what the A stands for? Pretty please?). But no dice.

The next candidate is Pro Football Legend Emmitt Smith. During the weekend where he was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame, Smith commented upon our last winner, A**H*** Supreme and likely future Mrs. Bubba, Michael Vick. Smith commented that Vick was charged by the Feds with Conspiracy and a few other goodies because "He's the biggest fish in the whole doggone pond so they're putting the squeeze on him to get to everyone else".

As many people, myself included, pointed out, that's the wrong way 'round. The prosecutors go after the little guys, to get the evidence to get the bigger guys. Since Fido is clearly the biggest fish among the four defendants, his testimony wouldn't be much use against them.

Of course, at least one of the other arraignees agreed. He pled guilty and is gonna help the Feds nail Rover to the wall. So it looks like Emmitt's career as a legal analyst is gonna come to a screeching halt. Possibly along with his career as a football analyst, since rumor has it that his new employer, ESPN, is concerned that he talked without thinking. But we'll see.

At any rate, Emmitt fumbled this one. He's just ignorant, but didn't quite do enough to make it to the G-T-W Hall of Fame. Of course, had he gone a bit further and made comments like his fellow retiree, Deion Sanders, who suggested that Vick "loves" his dogs, and that there are other athletes (read football players) who also participate in this disgusting "sport", then Smith would have been a shoe-in.

Better luck next time. Maybe you two should get together and write something else. If it's stupid enough, then you might well get a win.

And finally, our last candidate. Frankly, once this story leaked out, the contest for this week's award was over. Until somebody else starts voting, I get to make the decision as to the winners, and this one is so obvious that I can't see how anybody- even a previous winner like Dhimmi Jhimmi Carter- could have had a chance.

Last week, a report came out that informed the world that NASA has been sending astronauts up into space after they've had a couple for the....road- Sky- Atmosphere-Ozone layer? Whatever.

This is a tough call. Who's the best candidate for our esteemed award? The crewmembers that decided that the best way to go into space was in an alcoholic daze, or the administrators that were apparently told about it and ignored the problem?

Well, we have a simple solution: Give the award to the entire cast of NASA. Sure, there are a lot of people there who are trying to do their jobs well, and it's kinda hard to be blamed because somebody else is an idiot, but that's life in the Big Bureaucracy.

So to those members of the NASA gang that felt a couple shots would make you fly higher, even without a shuttle underneath you, and those higher-ups that decided to let it ride, since there was no chance of anybody ever finding out, or caring if they did find out, I say "Hoist a few beers to celebrate your victory".

And then climb into a multi-billion dollar aircraft and go for a drunken joyride. You've earned it.

NASA, I raise my glass to you and proudly ask "WTF were you thinking?"