gun-totin-wacko cinema

I just remembered something the other day, as I drove past a movie theater which was advertising the new Bruce Willis film "Live Free or Die Hard". Not sure why this escaped me for so long, but there you are. Here's a fascinating story...

A couple years ago, I came home from work one night, and when I looked at my Yahoo start page online, I saw a post from that bastion of taste and style, The National Enquirer. It mentioned something about a new movie that was going to be made, called "Die Hard IV". I looked at the article, because well, I'm a red-blooded American male. Die Hard is a matter of importance to us.

The article said that the movie had been green-lighted, but that at the moment there was nothing much to go on- not even a script. The movie (or perhaps gossip) columnist asked people to send in their ideas for a plot, with the winner getting $200.

Fifteen minutes later, I sent off my entry. It was as follows:

Die Hard IV:

John and his wife Holly have divorced. Holly has taken up with a younger man, leader of a gang of blow-dried Kaballah terrorists (played by Ashton Kucher). The climactic scene takes place at the Oscars, to which neither actor is invited. John and his sidekick, a Russian milkman named Tevye (played by Woody Allen) beat up all the terrorists, John beating his rival to death with a bottle of Kaballah water.

Meanwhile, a number of stars (most notably Madonna) show up to support the terrorists. Holly and Madonna get into a cat-fight, but later make up with a hot and juicy on-stage kiss during the show.

In the end, John is elected governor of California, where he balances the budget by imposing a 100% tax on everyone connected with “The Butterfly Effect”.

Remember, this came about a couple years ago. (2004, if I recall correctly). If you follow the whole Hollywood routine, it'll all make sense. And I must say, I think MY sidekick would have been the coolest ever. At least if you have a slightly twisted mind....

I would note that according to the later article announcing the winner, most of the entries mentioned Janet Jackson's breast. Very clever, I know. And quite topical, this being some six months after the Super Bowl in question.

As for my entry? Well, it was the easiest $200 I ever made.

And I got my name in The Enquirer. In the same issue with O.J. and Jessica Cutler, aka Washingtonnienne.

Sadly though, women don't seem terribly impressed with the line "I've been mentioned in The Enquirer". Though I admit, I never thought to use the OJ/Washingtonienne angle....

At any rate, my point is this: compare my plot idea to the one that was actually made, and then decide which one would have made a better movie.

Hollywood owes me a million dollars, at least.